Sunday, July 31, 2005
Sick-O
I was having allergy attacks this morning. Darned dust. Now I feel like I'm going to be sick. But I can't be.
Tomorrow's going to be a busy day. I got 2 exams. :( I'm prepared but I really hate it when I'm not feeling well. I should do good. And ooh, I don't have a failing mark yet. hehe! Good job, Tin!! ^-^
I feel dizzy. I'll blog again some other time. Hopefully something longer. With more sense.
Still busy with school. And thesis. It's ok. All will fall into place.
I'm currently downloading One Tree Hill's Season 2. Almost complete.
Gotta go eat dinner now. Luv yah.
Tiiin* was starless at
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Wednesday, July 27, 2005
'...it's not you.'
Grr. I SO didn't have internet connection yesternight. Grr!! Something wrong at PLDT. HMP!!
I thought I was late for my defense yesterday. I was SO stuck in traffic!! We were supposed to be there by 7am but I got there around 8 already. LOL.
Anyway, I had to go second. Allain went in first and I thought 15 mins. had to be the longest time one person was going to be in there. I was SO wrong. I was in there for 45 mins. 45!! I commend myself for lasting that long. LOL. I believe I defended well.
Ma'am Jacinto wanted me to create a product that would be sent to DOST as an invention. Ma'am Ventura, on the other hand, wanted me to do a comparison of a wild sunflower and my planted ones. Ma'am Saberola, on the other other hand, wanted me to write something about the taua-taua, which according to her is being used as cure for dengue and worked for someone who was in a coma. Ma'am Amarillo said I should study the side effects of the taua-taua and they all agreed that my new topic should be: Mutagenic Effect of Kahoi-Dalaga (Mussaenda philippica).
I'll be on my way to Master Hammie's place. We gonna clean up his room. Move stuff around. I can study and do my physics homework when we're done. Hehe.
Sometimes I feel like my life's an open book. Ask me and I'll tell you everything.
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Sunday, July 24, 2005
Ayieeeeeeee!!
LOL. Sorry. I've been really busy with my thesis. And then Ragnarok. LOL. Whaaat!! People need to unwind sometimes. And that's what I do to unwind. Play Ragnarok.
Anyway, my thesis is all set. I've submitted the final copy of my proposal. The thing I'm most scared of now is my defense. I go first. Swear. FIRST. I thought it would be better to go first since it's like warm up for the critics. So there. I think I can defend my topic well. I've read a lot of articles and books and I'll have to read just a little bit more to make sure. Hehe. Perfectionist? Not quite. :P
Anyway, it's a pretty long weekend. No classes on Monday to give way for the SONA. I wonder what the pres is gonna say now. I kinda don't like the way people circulate jokes about her lies. I mean, we aren't even sure that she DID lie. OR cheat. I dunno. I just don't think it's right to judge people.
Ooh. LOL. I was supposed to run at the Manila Marathon today. Unfortunately, my mum didn't want me to go. I didn't want to leave her alone with my dad either. He's been cheating on her again. And what's worse is, his boss is in it with him. That f*cking jerk. Hay. I have yet to talk to my bro about it. And my mum. I'm not sure if she's ok with my dad out of the house. It's ok with me. Hehe. He's never been a dad to me anyway, and he knows it. He admitted it. (Meet me if you want proof.) Plus, financially, my mum can feed us 4 times a day. 5 if she wants to.
Anyway, no training today. But Spark's invited me to play badminton with his barkada. I'm not really kinda cool with that.. Barkada and all. You know.. I mean, when we broke up, I'm sure he's said some bad things about me that his friends might have kept locked up in their heads for future reference. I don't blame him. He was downright mad at me for that break up and he could have said anything and everything (eg. I don't have boobs. LOL ok that was lame. I dunno what he could have said!!)
Plus, it's one of my niece's birthday today. I forgot what her name is. LOL It's her first. And it's gonna be at McDonald's Ortigas. I could go there instead of playing badminton with Spark and his friends. Maybe I need more time to adjust to that. Hm.. What to wear, what to wear? Skirt? Ngyaha. Halande. Hm..Nah. Flares. What top?? Elk.. Whatever the mood is..
Ooh. Wish me luck on my defense!! ^-^
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Sunday, July 17, 2005
Doin Just Fine (?)
I attended the badminton 'training' today. I realized that my stamina has gone down. LOL. As well as my strength and everything else. I shouldn't have stopped doing push-ups and sit-ups and playing basketball. Hay. School is nakakasira ng health. Haha!
Anyway, it was really tiring. We didn't play from 9-5. Of course, we can't!! But we played most of the time. We sort of bonded with the basketball team. It was nice. Wala lang. Nawala sa mood magkwento ng nice stuff. My farting brother is like the most spoilt and selfish brat in the whole wide world!! He is SO not getting any of my Ragnarok stuff.
Hay. Speaking. I broke my promise - again. About not crying about him. I really hate the fact that he still has that power over me. But I REALLY want to get that out of my system. Kuya-mot wanted to borrow his +7 boots. So I thought we had a 'secret' that he got hacked kuno so blah blah waever. And then he told me to give all his items to Kuya-mot nalang. I was.. CRUSHED. GRINDED. HULLED. EVERYTHING. That included the AH!! The AH that gave me many sleepless nights just to obtain it!! The AH that made me rush home in between classes just so I can get one for his birthday. To complete thhe 3 darned stupid things I wanted to give him for his farting birthday.
How could he?! What my friend said was probably true. If he's willing to give away everything and anything I gave him, virtually or in the real world, then those things don't matter to him. Hence, the person who gave those to him don't matter to him one bit. LOL. Great. Made sense to me.
YOU CANNOT keep them coming because I SURRENDER. YOU WIN. Ok?! Punishment over. I can go on with my life now. Without you. And believe me, I can and I WILL.
Furthermore, other people need not feel 'frustrated' about our situation.
Oh hey, he's probably giving it away because he doesn't want anything to remember me by. LOL. I bet he gave away the farting farting belt. That stupid farting belt. RAAAAAAAR!! Burn it for all I care!! Hay..
Ito lang. I accept that I made a mistake. A pretty huge one. (Wala sanang lalaki ang ulo.) You committed the same mistake twice. I corrected it twice. I made a mistake once. And you no doubt don't want to correct it. Tao lang po. Wala namang perpekto dito sa mundo.
Pero ito na talaga. To do this is to admit DEFEAT. I am REGRETTING. I shouldn't have wanted you in the first place.
Tiiin* was starless at
11:03 PM
2 star(s)
Saturday, July 16, 2005
Grr.
Wee. I'm almost done with my thesis. I just have to revise my review of related literature. If our internet connection was super stable, I would have finished it by today. But. Nothing. Hehe. Whatever.
I have this friend. I sort of see myself in her. The problem with most of us is that we're afraid that no one else would want us if not for our current partner. We're afraid to be alone so that we continue to be with whoever we are with no matter how bad things are going. I'm not saying bad things are happening to me now. It's just that, ok, I'm afraid of being alone - relationship-wise or whatever-wise, eg. taking public transportation by myself.
Last night I dreamt about being cornered by three robbers. They were following me while I was walking home. I didn't run, I searched for my handphone and dialed Mark's number. Yes, Mark. Not my mom, not my dad, not anyone else.. I asked him to come get me because I was in trouble. And, to cut a long story short, he did come to get me.
If I have to interpret that dream, I'd say that it's certainly about fear of being alone perse. Probably an effect of yesterday's solo trip home. I probably called Mark because he's one person who makes me feel safe. I couldn't have called my mom or dad because I was using my Sun sim. LOL. Whatever.
Hey, I'm back to my addiction. LOL. But it's ok since I got a lot of things done before averting my attention to Ragnarok. I'm moving to another server - Urdr. I figured I can't REALLY move on if I continue playing my married priestess. But until now, I'm really undecided if I want to sell it or leave it or play it or whatever. Anyway, lookie here:
I got training tomorrow. For badminton. 9-5. I wonder if they'll really take it until 5. LOL. Uh oh.. I think I'm going to have colds.. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..
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Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Sadism
Smelled the empty perfume bottle. Once. Put it back. Smelled it again. Long enough. Twice. Put it back. Closed the cabinet.
A part of me wants to be part of that world again. But the other part wants none of it.
I want to be because I still love him. I do. There's no denying any of that. I don't want to because for one, he won't take me back. He's said some harsh words to make that clear enough. Second, something tells me that it's not going to work. Or at least that's what I want to believe because it hurts enough to know that he doesn't want me back and it's going to hurt even more to think that.
True enough. The reason why relationships go bad is because people mistake commonality with compatibility. In the world of physics, it translates to: "Unlike charges attract, like charges repel."
My prof said that once you name something, you actually consider it as your possession. I named someone for the first time in my entire life. The name got stuck. While everyone else refers to him as that, I don't have any right to do the same. At least I think I don't.
I borrowed this Samurai X thing from Joven. Now I know how Shinta got that cross scar on his face. It's amazing how deeply he loved. It's even more amazing that Tomoe, who betrayed him, ended up sacrificing her life for him. Heck. If it's for a man like Shinta, I'd do the same. I wish I'd find my Shinta, if I haven't found him yet.
The only time when you can have a boyfriend and love someone at the same time is when your boyfriend and your love one is the same person. Otherwise, it's unacceptable.
You can't have the best of both worlds. Just as you can't have the sun and the moon at the same time.
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11:46 PM
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Sunday, July 10, 2005
Same Old Brand New Me
Haha! I'm actually not depressed today! ^_^ It's a good sign. I should do this more often. LOLx!
Anyway, I really want to study now. I mean..really study. Like attend all my classes and bring stuff I need to bring and not be a parasite. You know. Be a good and responsible student.. LOL. Whatever.
Good luck to me. ^_^
There's a lot of things I understand
And there's a lot of things that
I don't want to know
But you're the only face I recognize
It's so damn sweet of you
to look me in the eyes
It's alright, I'm O.K.
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get carried away
It's alright, I'm O.K.
I think God can explain
I'm relieved I'm relaxed
I'll get over it yet
The sent of gasoline
in the summertime
The feel of an icecube
Melting overtime
The world seems bigger
Than both of us
Yet it seems so small
when I begin to cry
I'm so much better than you guessed
I'm so much bigger than you guessed
I'm so much brighter than you guessed
- Splender,
I Think God can Explain
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Saturday, July 09, 2005
Same Ground
My love,
Its been a long time since i cried
and left you out of the blue.
Its hard leaving you that way when
I never wanted to.
Self-denial is a game
It's strange I never would've
wanted if until there was you.
Because I have learned that love is beyond
what human can imagine,
the more it clears the more I have to let you go.
that's why i don't understand is why im feeling
so bad now when i know it was my idea.
i could've just denied the truth and
lied. but why am i the only one standing stranded
on the same ground?
Because i have learned that love is a
word gets thrown a little bit too much.
the best excuse to fill the infinite abyss
i have never have to if all else fail
If all else fail, would you be there to love me?
If all else fail, would you be brave to see right
through me?
- Kitchie Nadal, Same Ground
Darating rin ang araw na sa pagdilat hanggang sa pagpikit ng aking mga mata, di na kita maaalala.
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Friday, July 08, 2005
It's Over
I finally received the 'period'. I guess I have been waiting for it. But I never thought I'd be unprepared for this. LOL. Funny, isn't it? When you're expecting something and then BOOM it blows up on your face and you just get the shock of your life and you disappoint yourself because you wish what you expected won't happen but it did anyway and you're hurting so bad but you're waiting for it because somewhere some time you were hoping for something to happen, the opposite of what you expected and then you just didn't get it.
Gibberish. Fcuking gibberish. LOL.
I can do this. Put a period and I won't have the chance to put a question mark. I don't NEED to put a question mark.
I better get back on track. Enough of this crazy bull shit. I should know my priorities. Ok. I know my priorities, I just need to set them straight.
Fcuk off unwanted thoughts. I don't need you.
Tiiin* was starless at
9:57 PM
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Sober
I didn't mean it
When I said I didn't love you so
I should have held on tight
I never should've let you go
I didn't know nothing
I was stupid
I was foolish
I was lying to myself
I could not fathom I would ever
Be without your love
Never imagined I'd be
Sitting here beside myself
cause I didn't know you
cause I didn't know me
But I thought i knew everything
I'd never felt
The feeling that I'm feeling
Now that I don't
Hear your voice
Or have your touch and kiss your lips
Cause I don't have a choice
Oh what I wouldn't give
To have you lying by my side
right here
Cause baby,
When you left
I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby please
Cuz
We belong together
who else am I gonna lean on
When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
There ain't nobody better
Oh baby baby
We belong together
I can't sleep at night
When you are on my mind
Bobby Womack's on the radio
Singing to me
'if you think you're lonely now'
Wait a minute
This is too deep, too deep
I gotta change the station
So I turn the dial
Trying to catch a break,
And then I hear Babyface
I only think of you
And it's breaking my heart
I'm trying to keep it together
But I'm falling apart
I'm feeling all out of my element
throwing things
Crying
Trying to figure out
Where the hell I went wrong
The pain reflected in this song
Ain't even half of what
I'm feeling inside
I need you need
You back in my life baby
Darned it. I could fail my plant physio test tomorrow just because of this. Wtf is wrong with me? One minute I'm ok, and the next, I'm falling apart. Disappointed. Too disappointed in myself. I better do something about this. Again.
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Wednesday, July 06, 2005
No Strings
Currently listening to: Dido - White Flag.
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess
And destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of 'It's over'
Then I'm sure that that makes sense
And when we meet
As I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on
I feel somewhat lost. Sometimes. For sometime today.
Sometimes I just can't remember why I decided against this or for that. Sometimes what made sense a few minutes back, make no sense at all after that. Sometimes I feel that what I have done is right, but after that, it doesn't seem right at all.
E-W-A-N.
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6:02 PM
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Tuesday, July 05, 2005
P.M.S.-y
Currently listening to: Meredith Brooks - Bitch.
Today, on a scale of 1-5, 5 being the highest:School Productivity: 1 2 3 4
5Angelic Deeds: 1 2 3
4 5
Devilish Acts: 1 2
3 4 5
Fun: 1 2 3
4 5
Some people just don't know when to stop. Insensitive? Whatever.
Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy.
Proposal Defense Countdown: 20 days.
Rar. I better do A LOT tomorrow.
Hey! YEY! Twice in a row! I made it to ALL my classes. ^_^ Improving.
I kind of feel that a lot has changed. In me. Not EVERYTHING. But some stuff changed. I think I grew up a bit. Just a teeny wee bit. Hell. OK. It's kind of a big deal. I'm actually learning how to forgive. ^_^ And I should. All the hate is eating me up! LOL. I've got to have some space for love. How can I ever be happy if I feel hateful?! ^_^
I'll be alright. Heck. I AM alright. I should be. Everyone deserves to be. ^_^
Tiiin* was starless at
10:33 PM
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Monday, July 04, 2005
'You Are Your Own Enemy'
Currently listening to: Maroon 5 - Must Get Out
Today, on a scale of 1-5, 5 being the highest:School Productivity: 1 2 3 4
5Angelic Deeds: 1 2 3
4 5
Devilish Acts: 1
2 3 4 5
Fun: 1 2 3
4 5
Mahal: 1 2 3 4 5I guess it's really obvious now that there is no 'us' anymore. Everyone knows already so no point in hiding it. Why hide it? I'm not sure. Pride? Shame? Pain? Afraid to explain anything to anybody? All of the above. And whatever else you can think of. LOL. After today, I could be immune to whatever people throw at me. Good? I'm not sure. Anymore.
Hey. First time. I attended all my classes all the way until the afternoon. Must give myself a pat on the head. Hehe!
July 26 - Thesis Proposal Defense. Yipes. I AM in my LAST year. Time does fly too damn fast. But it's ok. I kinda like it. ^_^ I wonder if I'm going to make it into med school. x_x
Have you ever met someone who is almost exactly like you? I have. And it's scary. I suddenly had to hate myself. LOL. Honest! I actually saw me in this person. Me. And I hated it. I mean..the me. Are you getting me? Nvm.
But this IS me. Maybe some things will change. Gradually.
Maybe someday I'll be happy. REALLY happy. ^_^
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Sunday, July 03, 2005
'Simple' Things
I got lost there.
What does 'to love' mean? Is it
a) to change your partner and help him/her become better
b) to accept your partner with all of his/her imperfections
c) both a & b
d) none of the above
My answer? I think I'll go for c. I always try to make my partner fit me. At the same time, I try to accept some of his imperfections because there IS no such thing as perfect. Whatever.
My mum thinks I'm just playing on this laptop. I want to get away from these two old people. For now, at least, when they're both having menopausal attacks. LOL.
Glad I'm done with my thesis objectives. I should start working on chapters 1 & 2. I'm expecting that to be easy since I would only be editing my previous work.
I've got exams this week. I should have the rest of the afternoon for studying. And then maybe later, my mum and I can go to the mall and get me new school shoes. My old ones are falling apart already. LOL. Should have bought one when I was in Singapore.
LeS' computer still can't get connected to the internet. I can't understand why. Maybe I should suggest reformat - again. LOL. I have too damn much on my mind that I cannot think straight enough. Cannot focus on one thing alone.
I stink. Must bathe. Mwahx.
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