Monday, March 27, 2006
Maling Akala
Currently listening to: Spongecola - Gemini
Maraming di nakakaalam. Natakot talaga ako tungkol sa pagpapatake ng removal exam sa akin. Di ko naman ineexpect na malaman nila pero kung kilala talaga nila ako at alam nila kung ano ang importante sa kin, dapat alam na nila yun. Nakakalungkot. Kahit mga magulang ko hindi ata alam na kinabahan ako dun. Pano nalang ba kung hindi ako nakagraduate sa dapat na oras? Mapatay kaya nila ako? Panu na yung natitirang tiwala ko sa sarili ko?
Saktong sakto yung words na pinili ko dito sa blog ko: 'Me, myself and I, that's all I've got in the end'. Buti nalang pala di pa ko iniiwan ng sarili ko. ^^
Totoo nian, disappointed ako sa sarili ko. Andami ko na naman atang maling desisyong nagawa. Andami ko na namang tinitiis na di ko naman dapat tiisin. Andami kong iniintindi na di ko naman dapat intindihin at di rin naman nila ako iniintindi. Bakit ba ako ganito.. Parang di na ko natuto..
Tungkol sa removal ko pala kanina.. Nanliit ako dahil sa mga comment ng mga tao sa akin. Sabe ni Bob, magreremoval daw sila kasama ko, meaning matalino din daw sila. Tas si Dems ata yun nagsabe na yung ibang mga kasabay na mageexam, naiintindihan daw nia kung bakit mageexam, pero ako daw hindi. Si Hotness naman nagtanong kung bakit daw ako kasama sa mageexam. Sa totoo lang, kung nagtataka kayo at nagugulat, mas lalo na ako. Pero di nalang ako nagsasalita. Ayaw ko naman masabihan na ang yabang ko naman. :( Hanggang ngayon di ko pa rin maintindihan kung bakit ako pinagexam kanina. Kung ano bang nagawa ko bakit nagkaganun.
Sabe ni papa pag-uwi ko, hayaan ko na daw, wag ko na daw isipin. Inexplain ko na rin kase na ayaw ko nang pumalag baka anu pang mangyari. Okei na daw yun. Para sa akin, okei na rin. Pero shempre di pa rin maiiwasan na madisappoint ako sa sarili ko lalo. 89% yung grade na nakuha ko pala sa removal..80% ang passing para daw makakuha ng 3.00 sa class card. Oo nalang.. :) Parehong exam yun dun sa final exam noon. Sabe nga ni General sa akin, kahit ipaulit sa kanya yung parehong exam na yun, di daw sha makakakuha ng ganung grade. Nakakapangiti kahit papano. Malay natin naramdaman nia yun nararamdaman ko kahit akala ko galit sha sa akin. :)
Paminsan natutuwa ako kaya papa pag parang supportive sha sa akin. Usually naman pagdating sa pag-aaral, supportive sha. Nalungkot nga ako kay mama kanina kase nung 12pm tumatawag sha sa akin, eh nagccommunion ako nun kase inaya kami ni Ma'am Amarillo na magmisa, di ko nasagot. Nagtext sha di rin ako nakareply kase wala akong load. Tas nung nakuha ko na yung result nung hapon, namiss ko pala calls nia 3 times. Buti narinig ko yun pangapat na tawag. Kinakamusta nia kung anu nangyare. Sabe ko naka 89% ako tas ang saya-saya ko nagkkwento sa kanya. Sabay sabe nia bakit daw di pa ko umuuwi asan ba raw ako. Eh malamang na sa school ako. 2pm yung schedule nung test pero mag-3 na ata nagstart yung test. As usual, naghihinala na naman sha.
Pag-uwi ko nga dito, imbis na magtanong pa sha tungkol sa nangyare sa removal ko, nagpaparinig pa sha na pag minsan daw nagsinungaling, lagi na daw sinungaling. Hindi ko maintindihan kung anu ba tinutukoy nia na sobrang grave na pagsisinungaling ang ginawa ko. Puro white lie lang naman natatandaan kong lie. Sumagot nalang ako, sabe ko 'Parang pag pinaghinalaan ka, lagi ka nang paghihinalaan'.
Nakakalungkot. Buti pa yung nangupit, hindi laging napaghihinalaang nangupit. Alam nio, di ko naman ineexpect na maging patas kayo sa amin. Understood ko naman na mas pinagbibigyan yung isa kesa sa akin. Halata naman na yun. Kahit sinong taga-labas nakikita yun, pag tinatanong palang kung saan nag-aaral yung kapatid ko, sinasabe agad nila bakit daw ako PLM. Okei lang naman yun. Okei lang naman na may favorite kayo. Karapatan nio yan bilang mga magulang. Di naman ako umaangal tungkol sa mga bagay na binibigay nio sa amin di ba? Ang wish ko lang naman, wag nio nalang i-verbalize kung anu mang naiisip niong masama tungkol sa akin. Itago nio nalang, yung kayo-kayo nalang ang nakakaalam. Marunong rin naman ako masaktan tulad nio. Tao lang rin po ako.
Ayun. Dehydrated na ata ako.
Nung sinabe ko nga na babalikan ko pa yung class cards ko dun sa subject na pinagremoval ako sa Wednesday kase sa Tuesday wala yung prof, tumingin pa sha kay Papa. Shempre may ibig sabihin yun. Bukas pupunta rin ako sa school kase may leadership seminar ng 8am, nirrequire ng dean. Kukunin ko na rin sana yung class card ko sa Dev Bio. Yun ay kung okei na yung thesis ko. Sana wala nang kailangang baguhin dun para di na ko babalik balik ng school. Para rin di na ko napaghihinalaan.
Let me know if dreams could come true..
- Gemini, Spongecola
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Sunday, March 26, 2006
S A D
Currently listening to: Stephen Speaks = Passenger Seat
I thought he'd call. And he did. Sa kanya na naman ako naglabas ng sama ng loob and as usual, pinalitan nia ng lakas ng loob. Kahit papano meron. Nakakalungkot lang. Bakit sha pa nakakapagbigay ng kung anong kailangan ko? Bakit yun timing laging sakto?
Eh bakit ikaw yan lang ang mga bagay na importante sa iyo? Ganon na ata talaga?
Wala na atang pag-asa..
Hai.
Takbo na, Tin.
Edit nalang ito. Ayaw ko na gumawa ng panibagong post. Same lang naman.
Bakit ko pa ba kase sinabe sa iyo yung problema ko? Sooner or later mo man malaman, pareho pa rin magiging reaction mo. Insensitive, as usual. Parang walang pakialam. Tas ngayon iikot ikot tayo sa walang katuturang bagay kasi di mo ko maintindihan. Di rin naman kita maintindihan kahit pilit kita intindihin. So bakit ganun?
Mahina ba utak ko? Siguro ganun na nga.. :(
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What the?!
Currently listening to: Mariah + BTNH = I Still Believe
What is happening?!
I woke up early because my farting niece was screaming again. Gawd. When will that ever stop?? This time she was screaming "Mommy buy sexy skirt ahhhh". *rolls eyes*
And then my bro came in forcing me to eat McDo's longganisa for breakfast, provided I give him a hundred bucks. I told him nvm but he wouldn't go away.
Ang then I received an SMS saying that there would be 'remedial' exams for animal physiology tomorrow at 2pm. I was like WTF?! Is this some kind of a joke? First of all, the grades should have been in by the 22nd. Second, why me?!
The number didn't register on my Globe phone so I dialed it using Sun, and it was Prei's number. I called her up immediately to ask but I still couldn't believe it. And then Jeff was waiting on the other line and he was also telling me that he was surprised to know that I was included in his list. Waaa!!! What's going on?! *sobs*
I can't understand it. What is the world coming to?? *sobs more* LOL. Oh well, whatever. I'm going to mass at 11am. God, please save me. *sooobs*
Btw, happy birthday Mark. *woot*
Good luck everyone.
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Saturday, March 25, 2006
I Don't Wanna Go Another Day
Hm. Am I bitter?
Indi pala. Nalulungkot lang ako. Depressed? Yep, more like it.
Bakit nga ba?
I woke up today to finish watching volume 1 of Jewel in the Palace. I had lunch. I washed my undies. I threw all the pants into the machine. I mopped the floor. I ate a bit. I cleaned up my room and changed my sheets. I took a bath. And then I went online, which was at around 530pm or so.
So all in all, I haven't been my usual self since I did not turn on the laptop the moment I got out of bed. What could be wrong?
I tried to play Ragnarok. That used to alleviate whatever negative feelings I have. Unfortunately, that didn't work. :(
Joven was asking what I plan to do this summer. I realized that I didn't have any plans. But I don't think I want to spend it Singapore. Not that I don't want to be with my relatives, I just want to be around my family. (ULK! HELP! Something must be really wrong! LOL) I don't know what to do this summer. :(
Magkakaroon na ata ako.
Bakit pag meron tayong gusto makuha, nagdadrama tayo para makuha natin yun? Indi naman kaya effective sa akin yun. Wag nio na gawin kase nakakabanas lang lalo. Ayaw na nga, lalo pang maaayawan dahil sa pinaggagagawa nio. -_-
So bakit nagpaparamdam ka pag malungkot ako? Nasesense mo ba hanggang inyo? Kaso lang, as usual, nawawala ka pa rin simbilis ng paglitaw mo.
Ikaw naman, bakit pag malungkot ako, wala ka? Bakit parang wala akong gana kausap ka? Bakit wala lang?
I think it's Mark's birthday tomorrow. I shall pray to God that He gives him what he needs. Not what he wants.
Asan na ba yun magliligtas sa akin?? Sabagay, baka hindi nagmamadali, huminto kase yun oras nung bomba.
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Thursday, March 23, 2006
Join 'em or Beat 'em
Hai. I thought it would be a fun day playing Ragnarok but I was SO wrong. Gawd. I feel so dumb. I don't have to play with such imbeciles in the first place. They shouldn't be called 'Immortals'. IMMORALS will suit them a hell lot better. I hate them to the bones!! What? Leave them be? I sure will because I'm leaving!!
And PLEASE I don't need anyone fighting my battles for me!! I am not limp or disabled and I can handle things on my own, thank you very much, go!
Manalo or matalo man kayo sa RPC, ganon pa rin kayo, you can't ever change the fact that you are SQUATTERS. Pananalita pa lang, alam na. Kayo nalang maging kilala sa pagiging squatting nio, wag nio na ako idamay. Leche.
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Forgive but Never Forget
Currently listening to: MYMP = Nakapagtataka
Today, on a scale of 1-5, 5 being the highest:School Productivity: 1 2 3 4
5Angelic Deeds: 1 2 3 4
5Devilish Acts: 1 2
3 4 5
Fun: 1 2 3
4 5
I was able to talk to Mark today. Grabe yun. Dedz na dedz sa kin. Katulad nalang ng ibang lalake jan sa tabi-tabi. HAHAHAH!! Ang kapal ko. Pero totoo yun. Inde yun makapal part. Yun madaming dedz. Hahahaha!! Fart. Tas now kausap ko yun isa pang dedz na dedz sa kin. Hahaha!! OMG tama na.
I went to school to make proctor for Trigo exams sa first year. (Why am I even talking like this?!) Anyway, those darn freshmen are so kapal to cheat as in. They were taking me for fools!! Like DUH?! I can see them kaya looking at their neighbors' papers and then asking their katabi for answers. Ai naku. If I were super bad, I would have torn their paper apart noh like the bading said I should do if I catch anyone cheating. Hai naku andame. Kawawa sila kung bad Tin me today. Hmp.
Siguro if I make teacher, I'd be sumkinda linient and sumkinda strict at the same time. Weird.
I had to make intay for my Ento class cards so I agreed to checking Ma'am Jacinto's papers. I memorized na the sagot noh my God.BBAABABBAADBEFBAABAABAAAAAABAABBBBABACBCADACDCBDACCCAAA Kung sakaling ipatest nia uli yung same test na yun sa iba at makita nio tong blog ko, mapalad kayo. Pang mga system system yan ng katawan.
Ayun. Nakuha ko naman Ento ko. As usual, hula hula grade. *rolls eyes* Sabe nga ni Earl bat daw same kami ng grade samantalang lagi daw shang late. Oh well. Whatever. Basta nalang pasado pwede na sa ken yun. Gusto ko lang ngayon makagrad, yun lang.
Some people don't deserve the grades they get but they get it anyway. Ain't life grand?
About the title? I'm trying to forgive. But I, sure as heaven, will never forget. Para sa akin rin yun. So that I won't do the same mistake evah.
Ang gulo ng entry ko now. WAAA!! Wala lang. Uy makakalaro na ako ulittt!! WEEEEE!!
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Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Changing the View
Currently listening to: BTNH + MC = Breakdown
0kei. Finally. I wasted an entire day creating layouts. I didn't like the first 2 so I had to discard them. I had wanted to get dashes anywhere I can put them so here I finally got it. This isn't the original image. Haha! The banner to the left used to separate the 2 pink blocks but it gave me a hard time doing html coding (eg. I had to change the scrollbars to become transparent because if I don't it would overlap with the image, the tag-board will overlap with the image). Nuff about that. I changed it and I'm happy with the results (for now ^^ I'm sure I'll be changing it again in the future).
Next, I shall be busy writing the tutorial page. Oopz. I think I have to fix my portfolio first before that. ^^ Lots to do.
I'm thinking about getting a masteral degree (is that what you call it?) in Education. Or a BS in web and graphics design, if there's such a thing.
Fatima. I'm too lazy to go. I can't see myself studying elsewhere than in PLM. So I'll be depending on that a lot.
I think I'm like an open book lately. It's like I keep saying what's on my mind. Not like me. But I did. I got somewhat pissed at my friend about our theses and I told her about it. But it's hard talking to her because she's a bit hard-headed. (You see, I'm doing it again. It's not like she won't be able to read this.) Oh well. Nvm about that.
The only permanent thing in life is change.
Ugh. Sucks to be you.
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Friday, March 17, 2006
Full Support High Priest
Currently listening to: the NBA commentators and to my dad and br0's conversation.
Today, on a scale of 1-5, 5 being the highest:School Productivity: 1 2 3
4 5
Angelic Deeds: 1 2 3
4 5
Devilish Acts: 1 2 3
4 5
Fun: 1 2 3 4 5
...I've never felt more alone in my entire life until today. I can't believe I'd feel this way. But! I'm so blessed that along the way, I felt that everything would be all right. And that's because God heeded my call. I had asked Him to send someone who could help me go about the tasks I had set to do today. I thought He'd sent someone who really cares for me and who'd come running when I call, someone who believes I'm worth the time and the effort, someone who's special.
And He did. He sent His self. And he showed me where to go.
Thanks po so much, God. You know how much this means to me and You gave it. I love you po. ^^
Tiiin* was starless at
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Thursday, March 16, 2006
Wasting Away
Currently listening to: MYMP - Dream Without You
Today, on a scale of 1-5, 5 being the highest:School Productivity: 1 2 3 4 5
ZERO.Angelic Deeds: 1 2 3 4
5
Devilish Acts: 1 2 3 4
5 Fun: 1 2 3 4 5
NADA.Gawd. I wasted an entire day doing all sorts of crap. I tried to read for Physio but I don't know I can't seem to feel the need and the urgency to study for my exams. WTF. Well, I guess it's because of the shitty exams I've taken earlier this week. Haiz. Fuck em all.
I thought I'd be changing Joven's words into lots and lots of whatever, such as:
Luck favors the suck-ups.I'm not even halfway done through this chapter on respiration. *rolls eyes*
Oh I receive a spooky message that was so sick it would make you go 'WTF?!' LOL. It's like YM's audibles, 'I know you're there. I can see you!' How whatever can you get?! GAWD. Please. I'm so glad the school year's coming to an end. You sure get to know who your real friends are, those you're sure you'd like to keep through time. And know which one's are using you. I think I've heard myself say that before. Ha-ha. Dejavu.
I wonder if I could pass any of my exams tomorrow. O.O
Oh guess what?! Three hardbound copies of my thesis have to be submitted on Saturday. LOL. And my paper is still sitting on my teacher's desk. Or so I hope it still is and not anywhere near the trash can. Waaa! I'm sick.
In the head.
GOD? A little help, please? T_T
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10:15 PM
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Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Luck Favors the Brave (and the...)
Currently listening to: my blood boiling.
Today, on a scale of 1-5, 5 being the highest:School Productivity: 1 2 3 4
5Angelic Deeds: 1 2 3 4
5 Devilish Acts: 1 2 3 4
5Fun: 1 2 3 4 5
It's another fucking great day for me. RAR! If I could just strangle people who cross me and then they can all get scared and then they won't do it again.
Hai. I'm super halfway through all the exams. So far, I'm not doing very well. WHY?! Because all this shit is for KABISOTE'S!! Why the fuck did I even bother to understand the terms in the photocopied materials?! And people who borrow my photocopied materials personally thank me because they pass the exams. Have I ever said, 'Thanks, Tin' to myself?!
No. Well, for one, it sounds crazy. Second, there's nothing to thank myself for!!
Binbin asked me earlier today where I planned to attend med school. I said I had no idea. But honestly, I'm trying to limit myself to PLM. If I don't get qualified for admission, I'm not taking up med anymore. But then, I'm beginning to entertain the idea of going to Fatima. Hai. Decisions, decisions. How I hate them.
I think Tweetums may be right. Maybe I AM depressed. That explains the constant hunger pangs and the constant eating. Gawd I hate it. I might get faaat and I don't want to get faaat so I should stop being depressed. But I think it's the pressure - exams, graduation, what comes after, thesis, requirements..more requirements - it's sick.
Maybe I can't be a doctor if I can't take such pressures? Is this a sign? T_T
BTW, the title above was quoted from Joven. May kulang yung sinabe mo. Dugtungan mo because I can't get the right word to say exactly what I mean.
God, if you can hear me, talk to me!! T_T
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10:55 PM
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Monday, March 13, 2006
Hell is about to Freeze Over
Currently listening to: 6 Cycle Mind - Alapaap
Darn it. It's the week for the final exams. And I don't feel like studying. Well, at least I'm trying to. Haiz.
I'd like t0 say 'leave me alone' but I'm alone enough and I can't be more alone than this. WTF.
I want my Mami. You should have sent my dad away for a while. LOL. He expects me to clean up when I'm too lazy to lift a page of photocopied material.
At least I went to wash my undies.
Wth is he like that anyway?? We're so on different ground a LOT but on other times, we're okei. Perhaps a little sense of responsibility? Or initiative? Or a little of both can be grand. Show me something. If you treat mine as yours, then treat it as if it IS yours. Like you WOULD to what is yours. It's really that simple. If you can't take care about something so small, what more if it's something big?
No use talking about it. You care less about what's important to me. And we'll be talking about it in circles and I say it's a waste of time and ATP.
Tuesday - 2 exams.
Wednesday - 3 exams plus submission of 2 lab manuals.
Friday - 1 exam.
Saturday - 2 exams plus submission of lab manual plus journals plus list of contributed work.
I hate it.
How now brown cow?
God, if you can hear me, please help..
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Wednesday, March 08, 2006
A World So Shitty
I thought I would be starting the week right by waking up early M0nday morning to clean up, wash my clothes, and then start studying for all my subjects. Things went as planned but came night time, I got so pissed because I still wasn't done answering my DevBio manual and studying for my exam and then my mum was pushing me to do errands for her. Gawd I hate it when she does that.
Tuesday was worse. I fucking failed the exam that I thought I'd ace. Expect less, so they say. I scored 6 out of whatever. And I smelled something fishy about the checking of the papers because the checkers were exchanging glances and nudging each other and smiling when the papers were being returned. Fuck them if they did us wrong. I BELIEVE that the pronephros are the kidneys of the larvae but they fucking put an x on that number. Our prof scheduled our final exam for the same subject the next day. You think I'd want to study?
Hell, no.
I was starving when I came home that night and my dad was throwing tantrums. LOL. I fucking hate it when people throw things about on the dining table. It's not very appetizing for me. So I thought I'd screw eating as well. And I couldn't help myself so I cried out in anger and I just had to say EVERYTHING that was in my head. Things like, some day really soon I won't have to come home to such people, I'll have my own place and that's the reason why I'm having second thoughts about going to med school, I want to earn a living, I want to live for myself. Selfish as it may sound, I'm dying to meet liberty.
Things are getting worse and worse. I had 3 exams scheduled today. The first one was for DevBio. I fucking scored 4 out of 40. OMG. There are a lot of times in this life when I just feel like I could jump at people and punch them to death. It's not about studying the manual, it's about MEMORIZING EVERY SENTENCE written in it. That's not learning, is it? What is this, the old memory game? The figures were cut into pieces and just stuck there and we're supposed to identify what it is. WTF? How do we know that without knowing where it is located? A hole could be anything - it could be a duct or a fucking PRONEPHROS!!
Oh well. The next exam involved the identification of chopped figures too. This time, a microscope is required and yes, a good photographic memory to remember what parasite looks like what. I'm not so sure I passed that one either. The last was .. there is only one way to describe it, in one word, MEMORIZE. Whatever.
Now I'm not sure if I'd like to be stuck in school with all this shit for another 4 or 5 or 6 more fucking years.
I was trying to unwind by playing Ragnarok. I haven't played in how many days. I missed boss hunting. So I used my knight, level 90, AGI VIT type and hunting fucking sucked. It wasn't fun AT ALL. Instead of destressing, I just stressed myself even more because now I'm thinking about creating new characters such as a crusader or a priest!!
And I fucking hate it when people ask me something and when I'm trying to answer, they'll just start talking about something else. Why the fuck did you ask if you don't want to hear the answer anyway?! GRRR. I hate it.
I'm counting the days. I feel it's so near.. But I fear I might not get there..
Help!
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