Saturday, October 30, 2004
T_T
I thought my blog's still unavailable. Glad it's back up. ^-^
Honestly, I'm too lazy to blog lately.. I just can't seem to write about anything else. It's always the same crap over and over. Sometimes I bore myself. Gawd. I'm sleepy. Anyway..
puro nalang boys ang laman ng blog ko.. nakakasawa!! Hwaha.. But what can I do?? That's the only interesting sh*t that's happening to me.
You want updates of my RagnaroK characters?? Wehehe.
Wag na. Boring
yon. I have a new character. LOL!
Sinabi rin.. Di nakatiis.. She's a merchant. Very useful kid. But right now, she's stuck because I haven't calculated the skills and stuff. -_-; Maybe later..
Naiinis ako kay Baku. Ginalaw niya kasi yung settings ng desktop ko. T_T Kainis talaga. Ayan tuloy! Nakuuuuu!! Makakapatay ako.. Mwehehe! Hindi naman siguro.. Sabi ko lang yun..
Nalalabuan na ako sa sarili ko pag dating sa sounds. Minsan rakista. Minsan hip hop. Pero napansin ko..pag nag-aaral ako o kaya galit, rakista mode ako. Ang hip hop..kung kailan ko trip? So ano ako ngayon? Rakista o hip hop? Hmm.. Ito ang laman ng playlist ko sa winamp ngayon:
//kanye west ft mase - jesus walks remix
//bamboo - masaya (uyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.. pagebeg! HWAHAHA!! chiklet ko na yon!)
//bamboo - noypi
//yellowcard - only one
//bamboo - mr. clay
//incubus - here in my room
//train - ordinary
//trapt - echo (DL nyo to.. kakainlab.. pero emo yata to..)
//usher - confessions part 2
//usher ft ludacris - you don't have to call remix
//rivermaya - 214
//rivermaya - balisong
//rivermaya - wag na init ulo baby
//nelly ft jaheim - my place (clean mix daw pero may profanity LOL)
//nelly ft kelly rowland - dilemma
//simple plan - welcome to my life
Nag-date ulit kami ni Kurikung. Wala lang. Sinuot ko yun binili niya for me na sleeveless top. Gosh. Kadiri. Ampanget. May sunburn kasi ako dahil sa sementeryo. T_T Pangit talaga. Pramis. Yakkk. Hati kulay ko. As in.
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Monday, October 25, 2004
Staccato of Hopes and Wishes.. My Confessions..
I'm so glad Panotski came on time. But I was late by 20 minutes. Hwaha! It was friggin' traffic at Bustillos. -_-; I got my class card. Laine was there with her great one, Da, so we went through the preliminary sh*t together. I'm going back to school tomorrow for the enlistment. I hope it won't take that long. O_o I also want to keep the same block..with my barkada..but hopefully, THIS GUY and PARE will move out to block 1. -_- I wish! Hwaha! I doubt if they'll move. They still have some friends in our block. Whatever. I wish our classes would start in the morning or mid-morning. My parents don't want me coming home late. Ya know
naman. Ahehe!
I was assessing myself today while I was talking to D. I don't want to talk about serious sh*t at the moment but I couldn't help it. Especially when D was asking me about "us" and telling me that I should concentrate on Kurikung.
My gas!
These are my confessions.
I have always been a bad gf. You can ask my ex's about that. I have never been loyal. Hm.. Except to Baku. Had we lasted more than 4 months, I would have cheated on him too. Believe it. I'm a player.
Masama talaga akong tao. Masama akong babae. I don't know what made me this way. I just can't seem to feel contentment. I don't want a dull relationship. The love must always be burning. I want the thrill to be there at all times. I want excitement. Fun. Spontaneity. I don't want to be the one to submit to anybody.
When I was with Spark, I tried my very best to be loyal and truthful at all times. I submitted myself entirely, wholeheartedly. I even went to places by myself just because he wanted me to meet him there. I've never done that for anybody before. I succeeded for a year or so. But I needed something. I don't want to blame it on Spark or anything since we're already over and there's no use crying over spilled milk. But Spark started to change.
He began to make me feel like there was a collar around my neck that was connected to a chain that was tied to him. He started commanding and demanding that I should not talk to this person and this person..bleah. Although he became possessive, he seemed to lose time for me. I mean, sure boys will be boys and they need time to spend with their barkada, but he was different. Almost everybody I know knows that I cannot go as I please because my parents are strict. He says going out with his barkada was just once a week. Right. You know how to count? How about going out with your gf, dude? I hope you get the picture.
Sa kanya na ako naging pinakamatino. And what did he do? Nada.
I wanted attention. I needed somebody who could give me that attention. I needed somebody who could spend quality time with me. I couldn't help it. I had to do something drastic to obtain what I wanted. I cheated. I played the game that I thought I'd be able to stop playing.
But I don't want to play it anymore. And I need that person who can make me stop. I want to find that person. I want to know that person. I want to be with that person. Can you help me?
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Sunday, October 24, 2004
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! I burnt my shoulders. T_T It was extremely hot at the cemetery.
Mejo nagsisisi ako at pa-gurl ang suot ko. Sleeveless top at maong skirt. -_-
I'm blogging really fast today. My mum doesn't want me to stay at the comp so late anymore. She doesn't want me chatting with people. *shrugs*
I REALLY hope I get my class card tomorrow. I hope he's there at 1pm!! GAWD. That guy is SO NOT PUNCTUAL. I don't want to run out of slots if ever I want to be block bla or block bla. I wonder if my barkada will be there tomorrow. /hmm I'm glad I told my mum about my enrolment date. I had said the 26th of October was on Wednesday. Stupid. I would have missed it. -_-;
My tummy hurts so bad. Since Friday night pa. I wonder how. I wonder why. I think I better drink some antibiotic soon.. T_T
I miss Weed. His sweetness and stuff. But I still don't want to get too involved. He still has a girlfriend. He was right when he said I was just going to get hurt.. But sometimes I just can't help but be
tanga. He's sweet and SO DARN BAD at the same time. AHAHA!!! Sicko me.
Naalala ko tuloy ang lecture
sa akin ni Teacher Teacher. He had said that the boyfriend I was looking for cannot be found in his barkada. He even told me all the boo-boo's every guy has.
Hay.. Lately, I feel like I'm getting attracted to bad boys.. meaning.. that image.. I don't know why exactly.. *shrugs*
I miss Kurikung. I remembered him when we ordered mojos from Shakey's this afternoon.
Babaw ba?? Whenever I remember how caring he was when we were together..
naiin love talaga ako.. *blush* But he told me that if ever
maging kami there are a lot of things that will change. He will become SUPER
SELOSO. /hmm All I can say is.. I don't want another "Spark" telling me who I should and should not talk to. :(
I miss D too. He's nice but sometimes he just can't understand me. Especially when I felt sad today because I thought the bot lost my Andre Card. He says its just a game bleah bleah. It IS just a game but I still cannot help to feel sad about it.
Tao lang po.. Also.. he's SO
seloso. Maybe Teacher Teacher's right..
bata pa nga talaga siguro siya..
My wishlist:
//that motmot gets the job (please po God..please..I'll do anything for you)
//that I get my class cards at 1pm (Panotski, be punctual for once in your life..)
//that my mum will get off my case.. (20
na po ako..at least let me stay-up late..)
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Friday, October 22, 2004
Bad Day Turned Sweet. Sour Day Turned Good.
Our fawkin IT teacher told us to meet him at 10am for our class cards. Fawk him. It was already 1pm and yet he wasn't around. We even got "scammed" at Excel's computer shop. Fawk them. We didn't even play for more than 30 minutes but we had to pay 20 bucks! It wasn't our damn fault that they're LAN got sh*tty. Fawkers. My computer is going gaga. Sh*tness. The monitor turns its self off automatically and sometimes the darn thing hangs. X_x Baku says it has something to do with the power supply. Not that I don't trust him..I just want a second opinion. This already happened before.
Ang salarin noon ay ang memory.
Nasunog daw. LOL!!
Last.
May nagtrip sa akin sa YM! Akala ko barkada ko! FAWKERS.
Ang galing manguto! (O baka naman uto-uto lang ako??) Apparently, Abs left his YM logged in at Excel's. Some people from Mapua, Nico and..G..something, were using the same computer. I friggin thought it was Abs!
Malay ko ba! Bastos sila pero ganon naman talaga barkada ko sa akin. Normal lang yon. Pero ang galing niya makisakay. Tamang tama pa at "sir" and sinabi niya na prof namin. He even told me that he lost his cellphone so he asked for my number. I gave it.
(Oo na tanga na!!) Gawd.. Am I really gullible.. (Do you know who I remember whenever I hear the word "gullible"? Chynx. She was the first person to tell me that. Does that prove that I'm gullible? :-S)
Anyway, I went out with Kurikung. He said he wanted to buy a polo shirt so we went shopping first. He chose a white shirt with light blue lines bleah. I like it. ^-^ I love anything in light blue. Mwehe! After that, he treated me to lunch at Shakey's. I don't like Shakey's. But I was damn hungry. Hwaha! He needed to pee and on our way there, he saw this baby blue criss-cross top and thought he'd buy it for me. That was HELLA awkward. None of my ex's ever did that for me. Err.. hold up. We're not together. That's the REAL awkie part. Ahaha!! But I thanked him for it.. profusely, I hope. It's a really nice top. I dig it. And K, your right.. because now I'm feeling glad that I have it.
Pero kahiya pa rin..pero salamat.. :D I really enjoyed his company. We hang out for a while. He's super nice. Super neat. Super caring. Super bf material. Feelings? Hm.. "100-day" rule, baby. LOL!
My mum. My mum. My mum. So irritating. I hope she gets over her menopause REALLY DAMN SOON!!
Weed was HELLA serious today. He was able to adjust to my mood.
Ang galing. I think I enjoy talking to him when he's serious as much as when he's funny. ^-^ Not falling. Well..at least trying not to. Ahaha! Whatever. But.. I have to say.. He's hot when he's serious. HAHAHA!!
I'm glad Dede was open-minded today. I like him better that way. We were able to talk about.. Wait. I was able to tell him what is okay to me and what I don't want. He wasn't able to tell me what he doesn't want.. -_-; Ah. There ya go. He says the only thing that he doesn't like about me is.. *drumroll*
"masyado ka mabait". Ahehe. How many times have I heard this?
Sobra ba talaga? Mali na ba? Eh ano gagawin ko..? Parang feeling ko naman tama lang. Basta lang naman hindi ako naaagrabyado eh, sige lang. Ahm..ewan..hwaha!
I wish:
© that Motmot gets the job.
© that my bro clears his head ASAP.
© that D will stop this foolish jealousy.
© that my mum finish her menopausal bleah ASAP ASAP. ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! X_x
© that I stop being too nice to people so that my actions will not be misinterpreted. T_T
Tamaan na kung meron mang tatamaan. HWAHAHAHA!! (Note: Baku. Tange! Indi ikaw! Pero kung natamaan ka..MACHAKET??)
© that Kurikung washes his seat covers TOMORROW!
© sana makakuha si Baku ng maraming maraming slotted manteau dahil pinangako niya na bibigyan niya ako (o ayan na ha. by request.)
© sana magdilang anghel ako
© SANA TUMUPAD SI BAKU SA PANGAKO NIYA AHAHAHAHA!!
Tiiin* was starless at
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Thursday, October 21, 2004
HUWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Huwaw! I forgot to blog yesterday.
Alam niyo na ang salarin.. RagnaroK! Ahaha! I topped-up my account yesterday and I couldn't seem to stop playing. T_T Maybe I missed it somehow. Weird. And to think, when I was chatting with Macho Fafabols and others the other night, I had told him that I was too lazy to play RO. Hwahaha! Hm.. I AM lazy. I have Botbot playing for me. HWAHAHA!!
Speaking about chatting with MF and others, I once again crossed paths with a mortal enemy. Hwaha! Mortal
daw. Juskupu. X_x I will have to agree that the world is really small. I don't chat on IRC anymore. Hell. I don't even have mIRC installed! Much thanks to MF!! Ahehe! Kidding. I know it's not his fault. He didn't know that there was some electricity between Her and me.
Pero pramis. Buti nalang kaka-inom ko lang ng malamig na tubig. Kundi, napasubo ako sa away. Especially when she said
"gabi na pero parang magkakatoyo pa yata ako a". Ito lang masasabi ko. Tagal ka nang toyo. Gabi man o umaga, umaaraw o umuulan, el nino o el nina, toyo ka na talaga. Hindi na mawawala yan. Mwehehehe!!
My bro seriously needs help. I'm not sure if it's the hormones since he's a teenager and he's not certain with his actions. Or maybe it's the teenage gap. LOL. (Is there such a thing??) These are just theories, of course. Hwaha. Whatever. I just want him to stop bothering my mom.
Sa 'kin kasi lagi nagbbackfire e.. T_T Awa na..
Weed-wise.. *blush*
Wala lang. Mwahaha! Seriously and honestly, I like the guy but I don't want to push myself onto anybody. I'm not stupid. And I don't want to be stupid just for a guy. Hm.. haven't I been stupid for anybody before?? -_-;
Basta. Right now, I just don't want to get involved with anybody that way. Not just yet.
Gaaaaaaaaaaaawd! I'm starting to get agitated by D's actions towards me. I just don't like it when somebody courting me becomes too clingy..as if we're together already. It turns me off a HELL LOT.
Ewan ko ba. Ok lang naman sa kin na lambingin ako pero ayaw ko ng niyayakap ako. The ONLY person who can hug me as close as THAT is the person who OWNS me.
I wish:
© that Motmot gets the job.
© that my bro clears his head ASAP.
© that D will stop this foolish jealousy.
© that my mum finish her menopausal bleah ASAP ASAP. -_-;
© that I stop being too nice to people so that my actions will not be misinterpreted. T_T
Tamaan na kung meron mang tatamaan. HWAHAHAHA!!
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Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Crazy and Weird Sh*t Happening
I learned that my amah's pulse rate dropped to around 20 the other night, while she was sleeping. T_T I understand that all things come to an end. It's not that I don't want her to go. She has been suffering for more than 3 years now..if my calculations are correct.. And if she has to go, I want her to leave peacefully. Hell. Who wants to see her suffer even more?? But the more I think about it, the more I become uncertain that I want to let her go. I've told her a lot of times that I love her. I just hope she can still hear. Hay..
I got my class cards yesterday. It was the most unusual "class cards day" I've ever had. We were done collecting by 12pm. The bad thing is
napasubo ako sa paglibre. -_-; I treated a couple of friends to lunch and I paid one-fourth of Bobet's game time. Hahaha! Sorry, Bob! I didn't know
nakadalawang oras na pala tayo. Hahaha! Anyway, my grades are fine. Erm..quite disappointing, actually, because I expected something higher. But come to think of it, there were a lot of times that I wasn't able to study for an exam..and I just played Ragnarok! HAHAHA! Ok. Whatever.
I am RAGING mad right now. I cannot believe that I've had so many fights with D already when we aren't even together!! SH******************************T!! WTF is up with that??
Buti sana kung iba-ibang reason at hindi kababawan eh. But the reason is always f*cking the same!!
SELOS! P*tang*nang selos yan!! *breathe in, breathe out* I honestly don't know what to do with that anymore. With our situation. With him. With ..B. HUWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!
Sana naimbento yung ganun.. yung pag naisigaw mo na yung nararamdaman mo, maaayos na ang lahat. Sana posible yun. Sana...
I found out that I'm not actually in love with Weed. I mean...it's not that deep yet. I'm in love with the surface. Just the facade as to a building. The presence. The smile. There are things that I don't like about him. Things that are unacceptable for me. If I don't accept his entirety, I'm not in love.
Ewan ko na. I'm soooooo lost right now and I cannot think straight because of this anger with D. RARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!
Tae.
No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.
No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.
And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE.
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Sunday, October 17, 2004
The B*tch has Gone Shopping
We went to Mega to shop for stuff my ai Z's and her family's needs er..wants. Heh heh! We bought about 20 large Chicharritos packs. >_<
I got something for Kurikung. I don't know what got into me. I just saw this keychain in the shape of a fishbone that works as a bottle opener at the same time and then I remembered him. *shrugs*
Weed seems cold to me today.. after our "sweet talks" yesterday. Maybe yesterday, he was just going with my flow and today, he's not giving me anything. I mean.. not too much attention.. not too much sweetness.. Maybe today, he wants to be a good boyfriend to his significant other. Hurt? Yes. Who wouldn't be? But I don't blame anyone for this - except myself. Right now, I'm thinking that eventually whatever I'm feeling for this guy will fade away if he continues to be this distant. Weird
ko.
I might upload my new layout today.. err.. tonight.. err.. yea.. today.. it's 12:09am. Whatever. I confuse myself. Later. Bye.
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Saturday, October 16, 2004
Food Fest
AHAHAHAHA!! I am SOOOOOOOOO changing my layout. I wanted to bloghop and I found my mouse running after the links. AHAHAHAHA!!! How stupid can I get?!
We went to Pampanga today and my god! I have never eaten as much as I ate today. It was as if there were no tomorrow! For the whole day, I had pancakes, relyenong bangus, tahong, liempo, coke, rice, another rice, ice cream, maja blanca, red wine, fried chicken, mocha frappucino, cake... Yes.. I'm a pig..
I've never missed anyone like HELL before. I missed Weed. A LOT. I didn't want to text him because I didn't want to get too attached. The guy's got a girlfriend. OMIGOSH.
Hindi naman ako desperada. Hindi rin sa makapal mukha ko. May iba namang nanliligaw sa akin ngayon. Hindi ko lang maisip kung bakit doon pa ko sa may girlfriend napalapit. Nasa ibang bansa kasi girlfriend nya. Siguro, we're both sending each other mixed signals. Today, he called my phone a lot of times. Miss call. I take it as a sign that he thought of me. *blush* Whatever. Right now, I'm just going with the flow. Wherever it takes me.
Huanapo finally left us. Turns out, she was just looking for a temporary job until she got accepted for her supposed permanent job. She left a few hours ago. Goshness. She broke the iron. Probably because of excitement for her new job. Whatever. The first floor outlets got grounded and we were like dumbfounded because we didn't know what to do. Well, at least now, it's working again. And I can blog. And talk to Weed online.. *blush*
Weed, weed, weed, weed, weed, weed..
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In a few hours, we'll be leaving for Pampanga. And, yes, I'm still up. Ahehe.. Huwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! Whaddapak is wrong with me?! Am I actually falling in love again?? ALREADY?? *bangs head on wall*
I went to see Weed today. We were supposed to go somewhere else. But he said he's "shy" to go alone with me. *sigh* I asked him to accompany me to Dunkin' Donuts. I promised to treat his barkada for my birthday. Plus, they've been really nice to me.. especially Weed.. *blush* But he did really looked shy.. But I really love his smile.. it just makes me feel like everything's ok..
Pero hindi talaga pwede.. He has his special someone already.. *sigh*
Omigosh. All I've been talking about is my love life. It sucks to be me.
Mami says our huanapo's leaving on Sunday. Hay. I really want her to stay. I want my mum to relax. Feel comfort. I just really can't understand why she's so
masungit towards her (huanapo). Hormones? Menopause? I don't know where to point my finger at anymore. I hope we find somebody like Inday - she goes to clean, wash and iron clothes once or twice a week.
Pwede na 'yon. Basta lang wag na mahirapan si mama.
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Thursday, October 14, 2004
Naaaliw ako sa sarili ko. I planned to create a new layout today - at least a draft. I did it again. I was staring at my monitor. Not holding anything. Not touching the mouse or the keyboard. And my mind was like flashing some crazy layout on my monitor. I amaze myself sometimes.
Naaaning lang ba ako? Siguro nga. Anyway, I might finish the layout tomorrow. That's if I wake up before 12pm.. /pif
I'm becoming depressed again. I was thinking about Kid. He's a really sweet guy.. but he's really not my type.. I mean.. He's just too small for me.. I don't know.. I don't know how to break it to him gently. Hell. How do you reject someone and expect them not to get hurt?? Stupid me. But I better tell him as early as now.. right? But I don't know how!!! I need help..
I was actually beginning to like this other guy. No. Not Kurikung. Not Kid either.
Basta. He's got a really nice warm smile - the type
na nakakaalis ng problema. He's funny.. So mature.. So open-minded.. He was becoming my weed.. He was taking me high.. Until I found out that weed
na pala siya ng iba.. Oh well. At least I met him. At least I knew him. *shrugs*
Tiiin* was starless at
11:11 PM
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Go Figure
Hahaha! I cannot help but laugh at myself for what I've been doing these past few days. I think I might agree that I'm really crazy. Why is it that I broke up with somebody - my decision - and then I'm all depressed afterwards? Hahaha! Right now, if I cannot prove that I'm crazy, I think I'll blame all these on my hormones. Yup! It's that time of the month. :D
Anyway, I didn't find myself frowning today so I'm thinking I'm probably moving on already! And of course, feeling a hell lot better compared to these past few days! ^-^
I find the Ragnarok anime on ABS kinda cute. Haha! I actually remember that it starts at 6pm. Hm.. Don't wanna get too addicted to the tv. But I guess it won't hurt..while I'm on my break! ^-^
I have a huge pimple on my forehead. And another one on my left earlobe. Rar.
I luuuuuuuuuuurve my new bracelet! ^-^ My shobebe gave it to me. Uh..her name's Nixie and she's graduating next March and I wanna be there when she receives her diploma. ^-^ She never forgets an important date. Even her shobe's and her little shoti wrote on the card that went with the bracelet. They're a bunch of sweet kids. The only problem is,
namumulubi ako pag ako naman ang bumibili para sa kanila. Goshness. There are four of them!
Parang ang dami kong mga anak!
I'm thinking about changing my layout.
Nauumay na ako sa picture
na ito ni Matt. But I'm still thinking about who I'm featuring on my next layout - Matt or Pucca??? HAHAHA!!! Goshness.
Ang hirap mamili noh?? But I'm serious. I will be changing my layout. ^-^
A lot of boys may break my bones, but my shoti and friends will always be there for me. (Nyahaha! Corny! :P~)
Uh oh.. You are becoming my weed.. You make me high..
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Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Go Figure
Hahaha! I cannot help but laugh at myself for what I've been doing these past few days. I think I might agree that I'm really crazy. Why is it that I broke up with somebody - my decision - and then I'm all depressed afterwards? Hahaha! Right now, if I cannot prove that I'm crazy, I think I'll blame all these on my hormones. Yup! It's that time of the month. :D
Anyway, I didn't find myself frowning today so I'm thinking I'm probably moving on already! And of course, feeling a hell lot better compared to these past few days! ^-^
I find the Ragnarok anime on ABS kinda cute. Haha! I actually remember that it starts at 6pm. Hm.. Don't wanna get too addicted to the tv. But I guess it won't hurt..while I'm on my break! ^-^
I have a huge pimple on my forehead. And another one on my left earlobe. Rar.
I luuuuuuuuuuurve my new bracelet! ^-^ My shobebe gave it to me. Uh..her name's Nixie and she's graduating next March and I wanna be there when she receives her diploma. ^-^ She never forgets an important date. Even her shobe's and her little shoti wrote on the card that went with the bracelet. They're a bunch of sweet kids. The only problem is,
namumulubi ako pag ako naman ang bumibili para sa kanila. Goshness. There are four of them!
Parang ang dami kong mga anak!
I'm thinking about changing my layout.
Nauumay na ako sa picture
na ito ni Matt. But I'm still thinking about who I'm featuring on my next layout - Matt or Pucca??? HAHAHA!!! Goshness.
Ang hirap mamili noh?? But I'm serious. I will be changing my layout. ^-^
A lot of boys may break my bones, but my shoti and friends will always be there for me. (Nyahaha! Corny! :P~)
Uh oh.. You are becoming my weed.. You make me high..
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11:01 PM
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Tuesday, October 12, 2004
Wow..
My mum woke me up at 7am, not knowing that I slept at past 1, just to greet me a happy birthday. Touched? Yes. Grouchy? Very. Hehe. I went back to sleep to wake up at 11:30. Goshness.
Just to see
red roses on the sofa, waiting for me. (Forgive the picture. I took it with the webcam and just a few minutes ago..so no sunlight, no nothing.) Those are red roses, supposedly..and they're 6 all in all. They're from Spark and he had it delivered to my house this morning. It's the first time he gave me flowers..in almost 3 years that we were together. My mum actually thought Spark was courting me. Because she doesn't like him, she doesn't want to.
Hindi ko lang masabi na wala na kami. At kaya siya nagpadala ng bulaklak ay dahil nanghihingi siya ng tawad at nth chance.
K brought me a cake - Black Forest. I wanted him to meet my parents but he was running late. He had to go to work. Hay.. Next time..
I thought I should introduce all my friends to my parents. Wala lang. Even if they don't like my friends or whatever. Just so they know. They were actually bewildered that somebody sent me flowers and another somebody brought me cake. Hm.. *shrugs* They ate the cake anyway.
My dad was weird. He bought me cake - Black Forest. Haha! So I got 2 cakes. He even bought me ice cream. Hmm.. I think I'll chow down on some right now.. BRB! *grins*
I think I'm feeling quite better now. *flashes big smile* See. I didn't have to force that smile. Heh heh. I figured I shouldn't feel sorry for Spark. I should have fun. Be happy that I'm free. That I don't have to do things I don't want to do. That I don't have to do stuff because he wants them done. I don't have to worry about anything. I'm fine. I'm happy enough. ^-^
PS. I honestly don't know what to do with the flowers.
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10:52 PM
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Monday, October 11, 2004
Still the Trashy Person that I am?
In just a few minutes, it's October 12. I can't believe I'm turning 20. But technically, I'm turning EXACTLY 20 at 9:08am tomorrow.
O ha.. Eksakto..
As I sit here, I wonder. Am I wiser because of my age? What's the purpose of aging? What's the purpose of counting the years of one's stay on earth?
As I sit here, my phone detected an incoming sms. It's Spark. Greeting me a happy birthday and calling me "hun". Oh, hey. He even called me up on my cell. Says I should stay home because he sent me something. Even called me "sweetie". Now, that's REALLY odd. What's up with that? What's he thinking? Why is he STILL that way? Always acting like he did nothing wrong. Like everything's ok. Like nothing happened. And look at yourself you dumbass!! You're so damn close to crying and you don't know who to call. You are a HUGE junk. See. Look at you. Now you're trying to smile. You idiot. You're getting crazier by the day.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry to everyone reading this blog. I'm sorry if you don't find sense anywhere in here. I'm just feeling too low right now. And I need an outlet.. I don't want to use anyone. I'm sorry to my friends - especially Meh - please don't think that I'm taking you for granted or something like that.. It's just difficult for me to tell exactly how I'm feeling and to talk about the whole thing.
I read this from Meh's site and I quote:
And may each day I live be just like my days with You oh Lord
And may each moment lived remind me of your love for me oh Lord
And when the times get tough
And the world simply falls apart
I'll come back to You
And let each tear I cry
Wash away my fears I have inside
Just like my days, my days with You, oh Lord
I didn't attend DWTL back in ICA.. So
hindi ko alam kung ano ito.. But I'm glad I saw it from Meh's page.. Thanks, Meh..
Hulog ka talaga ng langit.. It made me feel a bit better.. although
gusto ko umiyak.. haha.. stupid..
pero thanks
talaga..
Thanks to the early birds who greeted me at around 12mn.. Allain, Spark (...), Richard, Nixie, Derrick and Veejay.
HAPPY birthday to me.
Tiiin* was starless at
11:43 PM
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Sunday, October 10, 2004
I
I don't know what to feel.
I don't know what to think.
I don't feel human at all.
I want to cry until there aren't any tears left.
I want to laugh and feel fine.
I want to scream my heart out.
I want to holler in anguish and pain.
I want to jump up and down and sing.
I want to succumb to this sadness.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I feel like I miss somebody.
But I don't know who.
I want somebody to hold my hand.
But I don't know who would.
I want somebody to keep me close and warm.
But I don't know who would.
If Spark were here, would things be all right?
Had he tried to contact me, would I have patched things up?
I feel like hell.
I feel like shit.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I think I'm going mad.
Do I love him still?
I'm making myself sick.
My head hurts and swirls.
Does he love me?
Maybe he's grown tired of me too.
Maybe he's sick of me as much as I'm sick of myself.
Maybe he wants to be left alone too.
How long will this last?
Why am I thinking about him?
I've given and forgiven a lot.
And what did I get?
Did I deserve that?
Was it my fault?
He wanted to make me do things I didn't want to do.
Isn't that enough reason?
Why does it all have to add up?
There were a lot of times that he was nice to me.
I can never forget that.
But he's becoming too full of his pride.
I just can't keep of thinking about his bad side.
If I can't accept him for what he is, it's not love.
What about D?
He said harsh things to me.
He even made me cry.
Do I miss him too?
I actually think I do.
These past few days were fun because of him.
Showed me what it's like to have innocent love.
No malice involved.
Just pure love.
He was full of sweetness.
I could never have imagined that such existed.
He felt love.
And I didn't even know it.
But if it were love, why did he hurt me?
His words were like daggers stabbed through my heart.
Does love always hurt?
But he's just a kid.
It's impossible for him and me.
Impossible is nothing.
Still not possible.
My head hurts and swirls.
What about K?
He's really sweet and nice.
Teaching me a lot of stuff and getting me through this.
Helping me forget and understand.
Forcing me to cheer up and smile.
Great guy.
But he hides.
No one can know.
It's taboo, he says.
Could he be as good as Spark?
Could he be worse?
Why am I even comparing?
And here I am.
Staring at a picture of me and Spark.
Our past.
My head hurts and swirls.
The letters blur.
I close my eyes.
I cannot cry.
Tiiin* was starless at
1:15 AM
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Friday, October 08, 2004
Ang daming nangyari. Sa sobrang dami, hindi ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula. Hindi ko alam kung anong meron sa araw na to pero parang ito na yata ang pinakamasalimuot na araw ng buong buhay ko at wala nang hihigit pa rito kahit na 'yung mga nangyari sa akin nung nakaraang linggo. Pasensya na kung magulo ako magsulat ngayon. Bangag lang ako at marami talagang laman ang utak ko. Buti nalang tapos na ang finals bago ako nagpaapekto.
Ilang araw, linggo o buwan na kami nagkakalabuan ni Spark. Nung isang buwan, humingi ako ng kalayaan pero hindi niya ibinigay. Last chance na daw. Babawi na daw talaga siya. Sawa na ako sa linyang yon. Bumenta na. Ilang beses pa. Binibili ko pa rin. Nauubusan rin naman ako ng pera. Hindi ako mayaman. Hindi ko na kayang bilhin. Simula non naghintay na lang ako sa susunod na mangyayari. Kung umayos kami, ok. Kung hindi naman, ok din. Ang daming nagsasabi na huwag akong gumawa ng bagay na sa huli'y pagsisisihan ko. Meron ding nagsabi na baka akala ko lang na hindi ko na siya mahal, pero pag nawala siya, hahanapin ko rin. Kanina, sa totoo lang nabigla ako, nagawa ko. Hinahanap ko ba siya? Hindi ko alam.. Kaya ko ba mag-isa? Hindi ko alam.. Mahal ko pa ba? Hindi ko alam..
Maraming bagong tao na pumasok sa buhay ko nung nakaraang buwan. Hindi ko alam kung saan sila nanggaling at bakit biglang naging iba ang trato nila sa akin. Naging parang mas higit pa sa kaibigan. Nakukuwento ko iyon sa barkada ko, kahit puro sila gurlaloo (boys, talaga..feeling gurls lang..), minsan nakakapagbigay sila sa akin ng magandang advice (katulad nalang ni Bobet na nagturo sa akin kung paano masukat ang pagmamahal ng isang tao..*ehem*). Maaaring biru-biro lang ang sinabi ng iba sa kanila na "two-timer" daw ako..hindi totoo pero masakit pa rin para sa kin. Kung may mali ako, pinapansin ko lang sila, kinakausap at kinakaibigan. (Kung may mali nga doon, pakisapak nalang ako.) Pero hindi pa yun ang pinakamasakit na narinig ko. Isa sa mga tao na pumasok sa buhay ko, sinabihan ako na laru-laro lang daw ang ginagawa namin. In short, pinaglalaruan ko daw siya. Solid yon.
Bakit pa ba ko binigyan ng tenga kung ang maririnig ko lang puro masasakit na salita? Mas mabuti pang bingi nalang ako..
Tiiin* was starless at
9:02 PM
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